Silent pain

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Silent Pan

 

I'm not saying I don't love my in-laws.  I do.  Without them, there would be no Timmy.  Without their decision to move to my hometown, Timmy and I would have never found our "soul mates" in one another.

There have been times throughout the years when they, especially Kay, have been good to me. I believe we have agreed not to discuss religion or Politics.  If we can manage to do that, we seem to get along alright.  They're still an odd couple though.  I can't, for the life of me, understand how they raised a son, who is so totally opposite from them, but I'm glad they did!

Referring back to our wedding engagement, Timmy had a steady job at Coke, and I had just finished high school and was working a lot of hours at the local Dairy Queen (which is now a mexican restaurant).  I was seventeen, and he was nineteen. We were so in love.  My curfew was STILL ten o'clock! Timmy was allowed to come inside after ten, but I had to be home and in the house by ten.

We had already decided to purchase a mobile home, place it on the one acre that my parents gave me.  Out in the country, one had to also dig a water well, place a pump on it (which was electrical), and build a insulated pump house for it.  We found a older model, one-owner mobile home, that looked quite nice on the inside.  We bought it, using the bank for a loan, and purchased it. By early June 1986, all was ready to go, water well and all.  Timmy moved in. I was never allowed to be inside the house alone with Timmy.  Some days I would go, just to clean the house, while Timmy was at work.  My oldest brother, wife, and four children lived in a double-wide mobile home in the acre right next to us.  On the other side of his family, lived my middle brother, who was married to Timmy's sister (and still is).  He initially placed a mobile home on his acre, and then built a home later on.  At the time, they had one little girl. On the other side of us, was just pasture or farming land.  It actually belonged to my youngest brother, but he was always working out-of-state for the IRS.  It has been impossible for he and his family to live here. He is currently a district manager in Kansas.

My mother never talked to me about female subjects.  She never talked to me about shaving my legs, starting my period, or SEX.  I remember being approximately eleven years old, and praying that God would somehow give me the courage to tell my Mama. Whenever I was twelve, I started my first period. My first period came and went, and I never told her.  I know this sounds grotesque, but during that first period, I used washcloths, instead of pads, and then threw them away, deep inside the garbage can, so no one would find them. She was already post-menopausal by this time.

Great! I couldn't get the courage up to tell her that I had started my first period.  How will I tell her, whenever the second one starts?  I suppose it was a few weeks later, and when she came to awaken me for school, I was having horrible pelvic/abdominal pain.  She told me to go to the bathroom and wipe with toilet paper, and see if there is any blood on the toilet paper or my on my underwear.  She told me that I may be trying to start my first period. I went into the bathroom and did what I was instructed. There was some blood on the tissue paper.  From outside the bathroom door, she simply said, "well?".  I simply replied, "yes".  That's all I had to say.  God was listening to that repetitive prayer after all!
Mama went to the store, and purchased the necessary products.

As far as shaving my legs, I was in the 6th grade, and all the girls were shaving thier legs.  We use to talk about it in gym class. One day I used my Daddy's can of shaving creme and his razor, and learning by mistakes, I began shaving my legs from then on.  I was always afraid to ask my Mama anything, even something as simple as "When can I start shaving my legs?"

Sex was a subject which we never discussed. The only vaguely discussed sex with me one time.  Timmy and I were four months away from becoming husband and wife.  She came in my room, and said something like this "I know you and Timmy love each other very much, as long as you two have been dating, it's hard  to just kiss and hold hands.  A boy has special needs, too. So if you two ever decide you can't wait any longer, come to me and Daddy, so you can married first".   That was the extent my conversation with my Mama regarding sex!

In June we went to my parents, asking if we could get married sooner than October 17th.  My Daddy said he'd have to think about it.  Afterall, months earlier, when Timmy had asked for my hand in marriage, Timmy told us the wedding would be on October 17th. A couple of days went by, and my Daddy still didn't give us a reply, so I did something I never dreamed I would do.  I went to my Mama, reminded her of our conversation, our only conversation about sex. I told her that we couldn't wait until October. I also told her that we'd like to marry on their anniversary, which would be August 23, 1986.  After talking to my Daddy, he finally agreed. I think, privately, he didn't want to let go of his little girl...ever. He has often said that walking me down the aisle and giving my hand to someone else, was the saddest day of his life. He's had many sad days, too.  Now I had sixty-three days to plan our wedding. There was really no good reason to wait until October.  Timmy had the house all ready to go.  He had a good job, and I was making a fair income as Assistant Manager at Dairy Queen.  I had no plans to attend college.  I just wanted to marry Timmy.

Our very first house.  We made it into a home.