Silent Pain

This was posted on September 6, 2011   2:13 PM This is a letter my Mama wrote to me,  when I was seeing Ken. Since it is difficult to read, I'll tell what she

had to say to me:

" Kathy, I am going to pull one of your stunts & write you a letter & try to pour out my heart to you.  You know that after having three boys, we were so proud so have you, & we have always been so proud of you. I would given up my life for you and so would your Daddy.  We would give you almost anything. But Kathy this Ne Colo, Black boy Has to go.  You have got to get Black off your mind.  You are losing friends and so are we, or at least our friends don't want to be around us, because they think they think we let you like Blacks. And I woundn't and don't blame them.  You know that your reputation isn't as good as it use to be.  I can't understand why you would even look at a Black boy, little lone one that has children (This was never proven. Ken dnied it).  Black people usely don't even know who there Daddy's are  They sleep with anyone & everyone even thier own kin & they are mean & lazy.  A few years ago a white girl from henryetta got involoved with a Negro Black boy & then she wanted to end it & he killed he , (shot her to death)_. Kathy please for your sake & everyone else's forget about the Blacks. I wish you would just forget about boy's for awhile. You have plenty of time. Kathy, your brothers will turn against you & so will all your relatives if you don't stop this. You might say you don't care. But there will be a time when you will care & It will be too late. You could ruin your life at a early age, & you have so much going for you. God has a good White boy for you somewhere when the time comes. Kathy I love you with all of my heart & you seem soon to care less about me & your Daddy. You have lied to us & you know that you have & thats something I never thought you'd do. You need to stay off the phone. It will get you into trouble. I just have  had you & this on my mind so I hope this note will help. You will be 15 years old in a few days. I hope it will be a happy time for you & I know that it will if you will forget all these Black boys's & stop telling me & your Daddy stories. I want to trust you again. I haven't told Daddy about you still trying to stay in touch with that Black boy. It would kill him, but I might just have to tell hem soon if it doesn't stop. You know that I don't like to keep things from him.

I love you,

Mama"

This letter displays just how ignorant my family/relatives were and still are.  My Mama couldn't even bring herself to say the word "Black", rather than Colored or the "N" word!  None of them ever considered the many things that White people are capable of doing.  I've kept that letter for all of these years, and I have no plans to part with it.

I did whatever I had to do to spend time with Ken.  On Friday nights, there was always a high school football game, of course.  For the out-of-town games, our church youth group would take a van to the game.

Instead of going to the game, Ken and I would arrange to meet, and go to his house.  Whenever the game was over, my friend Cyndi, would call me at Ken's house.  That was my cue for Ken to take me home.  Several times I would sneak out of the house, walk down that dark dusty road, where Ken would be waiting for me in his brother's car.
To this day, I don't know how or who, but somebody called my parents and told them what I had done.  I had never seen my Daddy so upset and disappointed.  I was his little girl, and he was always so proud of me. However, even that didn't matter. I would continue seeing Ken, at all cost. They grounded me from everything, which wasn't much.  I couldn't talk on the phone, except to talk to my friend Cyndi.  After all, she was our pastor's daughter.  Maybe she could talk some sense into me. She would call me, then we'd hang up, so I could call Ken. The whole time, my parents thought I was talking to Cyndi.
I still would leave the house some nights to meet him, once I knew my parents had gone to bed.
Sandy, my best friend, didn't want to have anything to do with me or Ken.  She didn't believe our relationship was Christian-like.
Let me say once and for all.  Ken and I NEVER had any kind of sexual relations.  We kissed, and that's about all.
During Christmas break, I got to go visit Cyndi for a couple of days.  Of course, I talked to Ken on the phone.  I missed seeing him so much.  Then he broke the news.  He told me he was leaving the next day to move to Texarkana, to live with his father. He told me that he was doing it for me, because he was causing me too many problems, and he only wanted what was best for me.  Up until this point, I had never felt such pain.  I cried and sobbed like a baby for hours.  Later that day, when I went home, I told my Mama that Ken was moving, and that she'd never have to worry about him again.  I pleaded with her to take me to see him, so I could tell him "good-bye".  She wouldn't hear of it.  I knew Ken would be here only one more night, so I again escaped from my home for the last time, and met him.  We sat on the couch in his living room the entire night, while I sobbed.  When he took me back home, sitting at the end of my drive-way, he told me one last thing.  He said "You'll always be my number one girl".
We were only together for three months, but words can't describe what I learned during those three months.  I learned that love is color-blind, and there is another name for Blacks, and it doesn't begin with an "N"!  I learned the first taste of love can, for some reason, cause turmoil and rejection from those who are suppose to love you the most. I learned you'll do anything to be with that person, even if it generates pain and sorrow.  I've never once regretted what I did, and the time that I spent with Ken.
I never saw Ken again, but I definitely won't forget him...ever!   I still remember his birthday every year.  It is on January 30th, and that was twenty-eight years ago.